I delved a little bit into triggers, but there's one thing that I've been actively avoiding, and that is the memorial DVD of my Dad. It's not even the pictures so much as the music, because it reminds me so intensely of those last days, of watching both my parents say goodbye in their way.
My heart broke for my Mom as much as it broke for me, and that's something we don't really talk about in the world of adult child grief. There's the surviving parent that you want to protect and help and comfort, all while going through your own process of losing a parent. This is when being a plane ride away has been the absolute hardest.
We talk often, my Mom and I, and I am very grateful for the relationship that we have. If anything, this experience has brought us closer. But now I find myself missing her more than I ever did. Like she's so near and so far away. And in that, I feel very helpless. Helpless to help her, and helpless in letting her help me with her wisdom of how to deal with this. She has had the experience of losing a parent (parents), and I think her wisdom could be invaluable. But I am still protective of her, and as she has pointed out, maybe I do hold back in processing with her.
When we separate ourselves from our elders, family or otherwise, we separate ourselves from the wisdom that they have to offer. And when they are gone, the wisdom leaves with them, whatever has not been passed on already.
I am thankful that my Dad was full of wisdom and, because he chose his moments, when he did share wisdom we all listened intently. Now, with one parent remaining, I find myself wanting to be near here not only for the reason of being near her (because she's awesome), but to get that wisdom laid on me as well. I don't want to miss anything.
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