Please Talk About Him

There's this weird phenomena that keeps happening in my world and that is... People don't like to talk about my Dad with me. Or, when I bring up an anecdote about him, they get this sad look on their face.

I'm really hoping this goes away in time, but I fear it won't.

I had 40-plus years with him as a foundation of my life. Someone to talk to, lean on, laugh with, tease, make jokes with, share experiences with. Those 40 years did not disappear when he died. Actually, they've become even more important for me to share because it's my way of keeping his spirit alive. I fear things like forgetting his voice or his laugh, so I find myself actively bringing up memories or stories probably even more than I used to, for my own benefit. I need the people in my world to be a part of that, to let me share and to laugh or remember with me.

Gone most definitely does not mean forgotten.

Being one of the first of my friends to go through this experience, losing a parent at a reasonably 'expected' age, has been a bit of a challenge. The ones I do know that have lost a parent, it happened decades ago, and their grief is slightly different because they were younger when they experienced it. They have also very much gotten used to life without that parent as a presence. I am grateful that I have the support of my close friends, but acquaintances really have no idea what to say or do when he is mentioned, or they inadvertently mention their own father and then have the reminder that mine is no longer with me.

Part of my process has been to talk about him with whomever, whenever it's appropriate. I'm not randomly forcing him into conversation, but if it's relevant, I have no qualms about sharing him with others. And that look that crosses their faces, the obvious discomfort, it makes me think that I should stop sharing. But I can't, and I won't.

The experience of loss is something that every single one of us will feel at some point, and one of the ways that I have found to get through it for myself, to not feel it as this intense hole in my heart, is to still talk about him. I'm sure people fear saying 'the wrong thing', but that ends up in action being that they don't say anything at all, or they steer the conversation away from topics that might include mention of loss or death or fathers. I ask that if you have someone close to you experiencing loss, let them talk about their loved one. Let them share that person with you. It may very well be the way that they are keeping that person alive in their hearts. Ask questions about their life. Share your own anecdotes about your loved ones, alive or dead. Keep connecting in that way, because it helps me stay connected as well.