Grief Is Natural... In A Group

Upworthy recently put this story up about grief in the animal kingdom. As I read through it, I kept coming back to how there were groups of animals mourning. It was not just one individual mourning for another and then moving on solo, the animals generally have a herd or a flock or a pod to move forward with.

When we have the wake or the memorial or the funeral or the ash-spreading or whatever we do... We tend to do that as a group. There is community, there is family, there is someone to hold you up and vice versa in those tremendous moments of loss. But then life goes back to how it was (sort of). Our society has changed so much that we don't live together or even near each other anymore, so if we're not processing our lives together, I suppose we can't be expected to process our deaths together either.

This means that we individually process our grief. There may be phone calls and visits with friends that include tears, but for the most part it does seem that our true grief is alone, in quiet moments, in too early hours, in songs played on the radio. No one can speed that process up, nor should they, but when you do it alone over and over and over, it starts to become part of your own narrative.

Currently I'm living in this place of grief. There are other things happening in my life, but I know that conversations continually come back to my Dad right now, because that is what I am working on. But no one else in my current bubble is in it with me. They can honor it and listen to it and be with me through it, and I am grateful grateful grateful for that. But the mourning has been primarily on my own. I don't know if that would be true if I was with family during this time. Perhaps I would speak more to them about the mourning and the missing and the grieving parts and that would allow me to speak to my friends about other things because I wouldn't be looking for a social outlet for my grief, for a community to support me in it. Family would be that community. Family needs to be that support. We have each other, we need to be able to get through the grief together as well.

Please Talk About Him

There's this weird phenomena that keeps happening in my world and that is... People don't like to talk about my Dad with me. Or, when I bring up an anecdote about him, they get this sad look on their face.

I'm really hoping this goes away in time, but I fear it won't.

I had 40-plus years with him as a foundation of my life. Someone to talk to, lean on, laugh with, tease, make jokes with, share experiences with. Those 40 years did not disappear when he died. Actually, they've become even more important for me to share because it's my way of keeping his spirit alive. I fear things like forgetting his voice or his laugh, so I find myself actively bringing up memories or stories probably even more than I used to, for my own benefit. I need the people in my world to be a part of that, to let me share and to laugh or remember with me.

Gone most definitely does not mean forgotten.

Being one of the first of my friends to go through this experience, losing a parent at a reasonably 'expected' age, has been a bit of a challenge. The ones I do know that have lost a parent, it happened decades ago, and their grief is slightly different because they were younger when they experienced it. They have also very much gotten used to life without that parent as a presence. I am grateful that I have the support of my close friends, but acquaintances really have no idea what to say or do when he is mentioned, or they inadvertently mention their own father and then have the reminder that mine is no longer with me.

Part of my process has been to talk about him with whomever, whenever it's appropriate. I'm not randomly forcing him into conversation, but if it's relevant, I have no qualms about sharing him with others. And that look that crosses their faces, the obvious discomfort, it makes me think that I should stop sharing. But I can't, and I won't.

The experience of loss is something that every single one of us will feel at some point, and one of the ways that I have found to get through it for myself, to not feel it as this intense hole in my heart, is to still talk about him. I'm sure people fear saying 'the wrong thing', but that ends up in action being that they don't say anything at all, or they steer the conversation away from topics that might include mention of loss or death or fathers. I ask that if you have someone close to you experiencing loss, let them talk about their loved one. Let them share that person with you. It may very well be the way that they are keeping that person alive in their hearts. Ask questions about their life. Share your own anecdotes about your loved ones, alive or dead. Keep connecting in that way, because it helps me stay connected as well.